


the words they didn't say

by Amie33



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-27
Packaged: 2018-01-10 07:05:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1156584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amie33/pseuds/Amie33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They met by total accident. She was at some awards and didn't know know Matt was there before she literally bumped into him. She was half swearing, half mumbling excuses, checking she hadn't spilled any champagne on her dress, when he grabbed her hand and she recognised his touch instantly. "Alex?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	the words they didn't say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hihoplastic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hihoplastic/gifts).



> For Kaz. This is totally a sleep!fic, that kept me awake at 5 in the morning on Sunday. It's that kind of night that I feel like plot bunnies are a curse. And then it feels so good...  
> Unbeta'd.

They met by total accident. She was at some awards and didn't know Matt was there before she literally bumped into him. She was half swearing, half mumbling excuses, checking she hadn't spilled any champagne on her dress, when he grabbed her hand and she recognised his touch instantly. "Alex?"

She looked up to meet his face as surprised as hers. Her heart skipped a couple of beats, she felt cold and hot at the same time, unable to decide if it was the best thing that could happen to her or if she should run away.

She didn't have the time to choose; already photographs were on them, shouting to have a shoot of "the Doctor and his wife". They easily fell into old habits, hugging and greeting each other with great smiles but it was all it was: a performance for the people around, and what a performance it was! Nobody suspected it, but they knew each other enough to feel the tension between them. They hadn't seen each other in months, more than a year now, since that last episode they shot together for Who. They both had their career all around the world, had been both busy, and somehow couldn't keep in touch - at least that were the excuses Alex had kept telling herself. Feeling Matt so close brought lots of things back and it was difficult to hide the true reason of their lack of meeting. She had been the one to keep him away, because she knew she couldn't bear not being with him as she wanted. Because she thought it was what he wanted. But now he was next to her and she was afraid she had been wrong, because if she believed the tight features of his face, he was angry with her.

After a few minutes of flashes someone else caught the photographs’ attention, and in a second they all disappeared in direction of the new star. At the same instant Matt stepped back and walked away without a single word. Alex stared at his back in shock; she knew they hadn’t seen each other for a while and it was all her fault, but she couldn’t understand why he reacted so hard. She hadn’t even expected him to realise she had been ignoring him. She simply did what most of actors do: when they stopped working together, they simply stopped talking, only enjoying the occasional meetings like this one. Why would it be different for them?

She couldn’t let him go away like that, without a word, without understanding. So before he could meet someone else, she reached for his arm and stopped him. "Matt," she started but a single glance from him stopped her. She couldn’t say what hurt the most: the way he shook her hand off, the anger and hurt she could see in his eyes, or his cold voice as he replied: "No."

She gulped before trying again. "We haven't talked for ages."

"I know. And we won’t. I’m sure you don't want to."

She stared at him in surprise. "I... you can't..." He turned his heels before she could find her words. She couldn’t even tell what she was feeling as he moved away once more; pain, and maybe, anger. He had no reason to act like that with her. He didn’t know how hard it had been to keep him away, and now that he was there she wouldn’t let him go. "I thought we were friends,” she almost shouted at him then, and it made him stop immediately. He turned back, reaching her in a single step. His hand wrapped around her wrist, the grip firm despite his slightly trembling fingers, but surprisingly it didn't hurt her. All she could feel was his skin against her skin, warm and soft, that made her shiver. There was like a jolt of electricity buzzing where they touched, and she swore he could feel it too.

"You're not going to make a scene are you?" he whispered, eyes looking directly into her eyes. She knew people were starting to stare at them, and she could almost feel all the conversations stopping, all the attention drawn on their direction. But she didn’t care.

"I will, if I have to," she defied him, and it seemed to make things easier. Matt stepped back, huffing in exasperation. At least that meant he accepted her request to talk. He ran his hands through his hair as he looked around.

"Not here."

Before she could say anything he dragged her away, out of the huge reception room, his hand still around hers. Alex let him lead as they passed in front on the bathrooms, then reached a corridor. After few attempts a room finally opened and Matt rushed them inside what looked like conference room. He let her go then, closing the door and turning the light on as she pushed a chair away and sat on the long table. She looked around, nostalgic; it made her think of their own room, the one where they had their own read-throughs. She sighed as Matt paced in front of her, not even looking at her.

"What have I done?" Alex finally asked, surprised her voice wasn’t even trembling.

"Nothing, Alex, you've done nothing,” he said after a while, the lie evident.

"Then why are you so cross with me?"

"Because you haven't done anything,” he let go, the words sharp like knives, so harsh it seemed to surprised himself and he stopped pacing. Alex felt her heart crumble. She had tried to protect herself by avoiding him, but she never thought she would hurt him in the process.

He sighed. The confession seemed to have a good effect on him as he continued, still as hurt as before but calmer. "You didn't come to my farewell party," he murmured, and it was half a blame, half a statement, like he had already accepted it.

"I was in L.A.," she gulped and let the lie out.

"You always have a good excuse."

Her hands twisted on her lap and she lowered her head, biting her bottom lip. She was embarrassed, almost ashamed. Of course he knew. She felt bad for lying to him (and it wasn’t a real lie, even herself had believed it to be the truth; she was in L.A. at the time) but it had seemed the best choice. The only choice. What other alternative did she have? To pretend to be happy as he left forever?

"You never said goodbye,” he continued, and she wasn’t sure she could go on long like this. He was saying all the things she had reproached herself for the last few months, and hearing them from him might definitely kill her.

"I didn't want to have a goodbye," she finally admitted, barely believing she was confessing it to him. But it didn’t seem to soothe him.

"But you acted like there was one!" It was harsh again, almost a shout. Alex felt herself trembling. She knew, of course she knew and took all the blame. She just didn’t understand why it affected him so much. It shouldn’t have. It couldn’t mean - no, surely, she was mistaking again. "You ignored my texts,” he kept blaming her, like he was incapable to stop now that he had started. “You never replied to my emails. When I arrived in L.A. I tried to call you but you never answered. Until I simply gave up. And I didn’t understand, I thought we were fine. I thought we were more than fine, you and I. But apparently I was wrong. Or something changed and I didn’t know. So it's my turn to ask you. Alex, what have I done?" She could feel his pain under the tone, under the anger. He wasn’t only shouting at her, he was begging her. She never thought, but she could see now, she had been so stupid.

A long silent followed, while he waited for her expectantly, and she tried to calm her breathing. Finally, she decided to tell him the truth. It was time, wasn’t it?

"It was too hard. I thought it would be easier to ignore you, to pretend it was ok. That I could live far away from you - that I could live without you." She sniffed. Oh, no, she wasn’t going to cry, was she? It was ridiculous, she couldn’t believe she was acting like she was a fifteen-year-old teenager again. She shook her head, a nervous laugh under the tears. "I can tell you it hasn’t  worked really well."

She looked up from her hands and Matt was next to her suddenly, fingers twisting with her own. His other hand come to rest on her face, wiping the tears away. He didn’t seem angry anymore, but protective and caring. She had really been stupid.

"I was wrong earlier. We weren't friends, we never have been," she finally admitted in a sigh.

"No, we ain't," he confirmed. The next thing she knew, his lips were on her lips. She didn’t know who started the kiss, both leaning in close to the other. It was messy at first; there was no rule to follow this time, no camera to think about, nothing but improvisation and they both felt a bit lost. But after a few seconds they found their balance, the kiss turning into something cautious and deep, poured with all the feelings of the last few months - of the last few years. All the words they didn’t say, the touches they didn’t dare, they all found a way through the caress of their lips and the press of their joined hands. Alex blindly thought of the last kiss they shot, and thought it must feel like what the Doctor had felt, having his wife after years without her. Except it wasn’t the Doctor and River, but them, Alex and Matt, and they wouldn’t say good bye at the end. At least she hoped so. But if she believed the moans coming from both their throats, there was a good chance she was right.

After a while they finally broke the kiss, when they were too breathless and too drunk from their embrace. But they didn’t move far away, their foreheads pressed against each other’s as they smiled.

"Why haven't you said anything before ?" Matt eventually said, pecking her lips lightly.

"I'm old and stupid, why would you have wanted me?" she admitted, wondering if it was a dream and she was about to wake up. Matt ignored her answer, and though she could clearly see he didn’t agree, he didn’t say anything. He ran his hand through her hair instead, before kissing her again. It was like he couldn’t stopped touching her. She would surely not disapprove.

"Why haven't you said anything?" Alex mirrored his question when he let go of her again.

"I didn't think I needed to say it,” he admitted humbly. “ I thought you knew. Everybody knew. Even Steven bloody Moffat knew. He didn't write all those kisses only for the show."

Alex chuckled at that, remembering little things, words, details that didn’t mean anything at the time, but that seemed to take all their sense now. She had really been stupid.

Matt laughed with her, before pressing his mouth against hers again. Their giggles died into the embrace, and this time it was different. Deeper, and more needy, the frustration taking over the awe of their reunion. Hands began to roam and moans escaped their sealed lips, until Alex suddenly pulled back. "Matt, stop, we can't. The ceremony."

He shook his head. "Screw it."

"There are people waiting for us," she tried again, trying to sound reasonable even if her body and mind screamed not to.

"I don't care."

"You and me disappearing after an argument everybody saw? They will gossip." It was her last argument, but Matt didn’t let it influence him either.

"And they will be right, won't they?” he said instead, smiling, and she felt herself beaming at him in response, a bit flushed. Oh, yes, they would be right.

"Ok,” she surrendered, before adding, “despite, you can't show up with all this lipstick on your face" She brushed his lips covered with marks of hers, and smiled.

"Come on, let's find some comfortable place. I want to ravish you properly."

She giggled at Matt’s words, and didn’t resist when he took her hand and dragged her away. They were careful as the exited the conference room, looking for the back door to leave the place. They managed to find a taxi, and gave an awfully high tip to the driver, hoping he wouldn’t sell the story and them snogging in the back of his car to the first magazine. They hadn't discussed their future, and they had no idea if this was going to work, if they were going to work, but for now, they had the more important; they were together.

 


End file.
